Sometimes I lie about things.
I pretend I am an advocate for counseling. When someone asks me about it or brings it up in conversation, I say, “Yeah! I go to counseling. It’s great!”
I go to counseling. That part’s true. The “great” part? Not so true.
Truth is, counseling doesn’t seem to be working for me. If I’m honest, it has only made things worse.
So, why do I lie?
Because I want to like counseling. I want it to work for me and change my life. But I don’t, and it doesn’t.
And I haven’t been ready to admit that until now.
I’ve heard awesome things about counseling. I was excited when I finally worked up the courage to go. I anticipated that counseling would give me a safe place to talk about my problems, let me figure out ways to manage them, and maybe even help me become a normal, functioning human being.
I hated it the first week.
But I thought, “I’ll just give it time. Nothing gets better over night.”
And I hated it the second week…
And the third….
And the forth….
And it’s not that it wasn’t helping. It’s that it seemed like it was doing the opposite. The day before my counseling session, I’d be jumpy and nervous and panicky because of my anxiety about the session. And the day after I’d be depressed almost to the point of incapacitation because of the things that had been brought up in the session.
But I kept thinking, “It will get better. I have a lot of crap to work through. It has to hurt before it can heal, right?”
After five months, though, I’m starting to wonder if that’s true.
It’s Wednesday, which means there’s a counseling session at 1 pm tomorrow, and I’m shaking just thinking about it.
The longer I go without seeing results, the harder this gets.
It’s probably my fault that this isn’t working out, but honestly, I’m trying my hardest. I don’t know what else to do.
Now, when I think of quitting counseling, I think of rainbows and sunshine and kittens and chocolate and the Queen song, “We Are The Champions.”
But if I were to quit, I would feel like I failure.
I’m afraid I would always wonder what I could have done better. I’m afraid I would always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t quit. I’m afraid that I’d be giving up on my last hope for normalcy.
And still I hear others praising counseling, and I dishonestly join in with their praises, while secretly wondering, “What am I doing wrong?”
My purpose of this post isn’t to knock counseling. It seems to work for most people and therefore, I recommend it to anyone who feels the need to try it.
I’m not trying to give advice here.
I’m asking for advice.
Has anyone else had a bad counseling experience? Did you quit? Did you try a different approach? Did you try another counselor? Did you look for other solutions to your problems?
I hope to hear from you! I know there are some awesomely smart people who read my blog and I’m sure most of you know a lot more about life than I do. Thanks, readers.
Until then, I’ll ponder the question that’s been in my head for weeks now concerning counseling…
Should I stay, or should I go?